Tag Archives: single

The big ‘M’ word….

9 Sep

Yep, bet you all thought it was Marriage. I’m actually talking about Masturbation.

Masturbation is the physical act of relieving sexual tension without requiring a partner.  Many people do it. Not many people talk about it. That’s why I’m talking about it.

People can believe masturbation is harmless. It is not hurting anybody and it’s self-pleasurable. BUT just because it may seem harmless does not mean it’s helpful. Many things in life can seem harmless but indeed are not helpful to our growth and development.

Masturbation can be unhealthy when….

* It becomes a habit, as habits can be hard to break. Masturbating can become obsessive and addictive. It can dominate your thoughts and behaviours and it can become all you want to do.

* You are fantasising in your mind over people or a person you shouldn’t be thinking about in that way. Fantasising can create a craving for that person in an intense sexual way.

Some things to think about…..

What are you looking at?
What you look at can influence what you desire. E.g. if you have a picture of a hot girl on your folder, your attraction and desire for her will increase the more you look at her. The more you look at her, the more you will desire her and when there is desire, there is sexual arousal. Pornography or movies with a high level of sexual content as well as reading books that detail sexual experiences in the storyline, can make a person sexually aroused.

What are you thinking about?
‘So a man thinks, he is.’ What you focus your mind and thoughts on, you will become. It will be your focus and your vision. E.g. if you think about chocolate cake, all you will want to do is eat chocolate cake. The more you think about it, the more you will want to eat it. The greater this desire, the greater the effort you will go to, to eat chocolate cake.

Who are you fantasising over? If it’s not your partner, you are on dangerous ground. Fantasising about anyone else who is not your partner will not help you stay faithful. You will eventually prefer the relationship you are having in your head to your real-life relationship in reality. Because the fantasy world is not real, it will stimulate you in a way that your partner is not able to. Eventually you will prefer your fantasy relationship, as your real-life relationship won’t be able to compete with the relationship you have created in your head.
Can you be faithful to the person you are with, if you are fantasising over someone else in your head? Harmless it may seem (because nobody knows what you are thinking but you) but harmful it really is. Being unfaithful starts in the mind before is becomes a behaviour.

Why are you doing it?
Some people do it to relieve sexual tension, some people do it to experiment with their body and find out how it all works. Other people do it because they are lonely or feel bad about themselves and they want to make themselves feel better.

Think about why you are doing it. Is it healthy or unhealthy for you? Do you find you can’t stop? Are you doing it to cover up something deeper you don’t know how to deal with? Masturbation won’t help you deal with feelings of loneliness, depression, anxiety or unworthiness.Dealing with something hard like this can be easier when you’re working it out  with someone else. Speaking to a trusted adult or professional counsellor could help with that. For your futures sake, it’s worth dealing with now rather than later.

“It’s fine now because I’m single”. You can’t assume that you will be able to stop when you get into a relationship or that your partner will be fine with you continuing to masturbate. A relationship does not change things or solve all our problems. In fact the opposite happens, all our problems come to the surface when 2 people come together. Also, who wants to be with someone who isn’t satisfied with them that they have to go off to satisfy themselves alone?

If it has become a habit or an obsessive addiction that needs to be addressed there is good news! Developing and exercising self-control can help you tackle this area of your life. It is possible and here could be some strategies….

  • Cut out the things you are looking at and control your thinking patterns – don’t let your mind wonder. The minute your mind starts wondering, stop the thought and do something different.
  • Go to bed early and avoid staying up late surfing the Internet with no purpose.
  • Remove the computer and TV from your room.
  • Don’t stay in bed longer than you need to.
  • Stop watching movies, youtube and music video clips with high sexual content – change the channel!
  • Throw out magazines or novels with sexual content.
  • Remove the safari app from your iphone and install an Internet protection app instead.
  • Socialise with friends more and spend less time alone by yourself at home, especially if that’s your weak spot.

Being accountable, humble and transparent and allowing someone to walk the journey with you can help you gain control of this area of your sexuality. What has helped you? Email sexthewholestory@hotmail.com


Is this person the ‘right’ one for me?

30 Aug

Bianca, 17 yrs, dates any guy who shows the slightest interest in her without giving a second thought if he is a great guy or if the relationship is going to work.

Matty, 18 yrs, has a few girls really into him and doesn’t know which one he should date. Does he pick one or date them all to see which one is ‘right’ for him?

Crystal, 24 yrs, hasn’t been in a relationship for years because she believes she hasn’t met anyone right for her. But does she actually know who is ‘right’ for her?

John, 20 yrs, has been in a relationship  with Sarah for a year but is not sure she is the right girl for him.

Ever found yourself thinking “How do I know if this person is the ‘right’ one for me?” or “What should I be looking for in a boyfriend/girlfriend?” Working this out before getting involved with a person can save you time, effort, energy and unnecessary heartache, especially if that person is indeed not the ‘right’ one for you.

So, how do you know? Here are some thoughts to think about….

Does this person bring out the best in me?
People influence us in either positive or negative ways. Some people influence us to step out of our comfort zone and encourage us to do things we never thought we could do. Some people influence us to do things that we don’t feel comfortable doing and may regret later. Stop and ask yourself if this person makes you want to be a better person. Do they inspire you to be the best person you can be? If yes, they could be a keeper.

How well do I know this person?
Sparks are flying, the chemistry is thick, the feeling is amazing and you both want to make it ‘Facebook official’. But how long have you know this person for? A night, a few weeks, a month??? Do you know their last name, their favourite food or anything about their family??? Why is that important?

Building a friendship first is the best way to get to know what a person is all about. Over time you can see how a person does life and how they handle the good, the bad and the tough seasons. When everything goes wrong or they are going through a rough patch, do they run away from their problems or do they face them head on and deal with it in a mature way? A person’s true character comes out over time. Its worth taking the time to find out what they are really like before jumping in headfirst.

What type of a friend is this person to others?
How they treat others is how they will treat you. If they are talking behind their friend’s backs, can you be sure they will not do the same with you? A person who values friendships and spends time investing into their friendships says a lot about how they will be in a relationship. Generosity with your time, words and effort goes a long way.

Sometimes it’s hard to forgive someone, especially if they have hurt you. But have you ever hurt someone and wanted his or her forgiveness? A person who writes off anyone who crosses their path in the wrong way will not have many long-term friends. The more you hang around someone the more chances they have of hurting you. The more chances they have of hurting you, the more opportunities you have to forgive. A relationship can’t last the distance without forgiveness.

Is this person a friend to my destiny?
People you allow into your life will either help or hinder your dreams. Who you hang around is who you will become. Being in a relationship will change you – for the better or the worst. Surrounding yourself with people who are supporting, encouraging and going in the same direction as you is key to achieving your destiny.

You can tell if someone isn’t really supportive about what you are doing. They don’t really show any interest in it or ask how you are going with it. They might persuade you to not go to footy training or the game or try and talk you out of staying home to study for that exam. This person is not a friend to your destiny. All the little decisions that you make, like studying for that exam that doesn’t seem like a big deal at the time, can have a big impact on taking you to where you want to go in the future.

Is this person easy to bring out & socialise with?
Dating is meant to be fun and a time where your social life expands to each other’s friends and family.

Are you worried about taking this person out because they won’t make an effort with your friends and you will have to babysit them all evening? Does this person just want to hang out with you and no one else? If you answered yes to 1 or both of these questions, then overtime your social life will be greatly impacted. This person may make you feel restricted, like you can’t be yourself or talk to who you want. Eventually, you may realise you don’t enjoy being around this person as much as you used to. If your partner doesn’t want you to hang around your friends or family, they are trying to isolate you. This is a BIG sign that your relationship is unhealthy. Get out before what is important to you is compromised to make them happy.

Does this person respect me?
Respect = acceptance & appreciation. To respect someone is to accept and appreciate who they are. It’s also about respecting a person’s decisions, beliefs and values. E.g. if you are feeling pressured to have sex and you don’t want to, your partner is not respecting you. If you are talked about behind your back, your partner is not respecting you.

Are your decisions, beliefs and values respected or is this person trying to change you? Respect is a key ingredient to a healthy relationship.
Looking for the ‘right’ person but haven’t found them yet??? Being single is a great time to focus on YOU. Many young people wish their single days away but you can use this time to focus on becoming the best person you can be – that’s so attractive! Don’t expect anyone to complete you because they can’t even if they tried. Instead, take responsibility for controlling your own destiny, waiting for someone to do it for you is a COMPLETE waste of time! Your life will only drift along unless you make something out of it. A confident person living a life doing what they love is so appealing. This time is precious and it won’t last forever. Give it your best and enjoy the season you are in.

And hey…one last thought. Remember a relationship is not just about you. It’s about putting your partners needs above your own needs. It’s about being selfless in your love, time and energy. If you’re not willing to put someone else’s needs above your own, then you’re not ready for a relationship, so don’t get into one. Stop chasing that guy or girl for their attention and spend that time focusing on you. It will be worth it in the long run.

Love to know your thoughts….post below or email sexthewholestory@hotmail.com

Have a great week!


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