Tag Archives: masturbation

Young People Need Answers….

13 Nov

Recently I was asked some questions by some awesome young people which I have endeavored to answer below.

If you have a question, I’d love to hear from you. Ask away and I will do my best to answer it. We need to be open about talking about this stuff and not keeping it all a secret. I bet what you are asking so many other young people are asking too. Email sexthewholestory@hotmail.com or reply below to this post.

My friends at school talk about sex all the time – Should I be a part of these conversations?
 


We need to be talking about sex. Its not something that should be taboo or kept in the dark (something you figure out or learn about on your own without anyone knowing). God created sex and we need godly wisdom on how we can navigate our lives as sexual beings.

There is so much information about sex out there but not everything is always helpful. Talking to our friends may not be the most helpful thing for us, especially if we need some guidance for a certain situation we are going through. Talk to someone who can give you some perspective and wisdom for your situation – a parent, pastor, youth leader, counselor or health professional. Don’t be afraid to ask them any questions you have – no question is too silly to ask! The more information you have, the better informed you are to make your decision.

I know porn is bad, but what counts as porn? Like sex scenes in movies?
 


Porn is anything that degrades men and women, treats people as sexual objects to be consumed and can produce a desire for sexual arousal by the viewer. Porn can be found in magazines, tv, advertisements and the internet. Sex scenes in a movie are not necessarily porn but can have the potential to get a person sexually aroused, depending on the level of sex scene and the rating of the movie. E.g. the level of sex scene content in an R or MA rated movie is higher than an M rated movie. That’s why it’s so important to exercise wisdom in what we watch and if we find the movie we are watching has too many sex scenes, switch it off or fast-forward the scene. Its ok to not watch it.

What does the bible say about masturbation?

The bible doesn’t say anything specifically about masturbation. It doesn’t say its ok and it doesn’t say it’s not ok. But the bible does talk a lot about lust – lustful desires, lustful thoughts, and lustful pleasures.

Lust = like a craving, uncontrollable, an intense sexual desire, an overmastering desire.

“Run from anything that stimulates youthful lusts.” 2 Timothy 2.22

“Have nothing to do with sexual immorality, impurity, lust and evil desires.” Col 3.5
 


I recently wrote a blog about this topic called ‘The big M word’ – check it out.

Masturbation can become a habit that is hard to break. It can become obsessive and addictive. If you are struggling with masturbation, I strongly encourage you to talk to someone you can trust and who can help you with it. You can gain control over this issue. Its never too late to get help.

Is it really that bad to hook up at parties for fun?
 


It might be good to ask yourself these questions…. Is what I am doing respecting myself? Is it respecting the other person? Is this something I may regret the next day?

Our sexuality is highly valuable. There is no price that equals the value of our sexuality, its priceless. It was given to us from God as a gift, to be treasured, guarded and protected until the right time when it can be used, in marriage as a celebration of love.

So is it really worth throwing away for a moment of instant gratification? I love this quote from Jeanne Mayo in her book ‘Uncensored Dating, Friendship & Sex’ (highly recommend it):

“You are free to ignore the commandments of God but never free to avoid the consequences.”

There are consequences to all our behaviors & in this situation, there are very real consequences such as contracting STIs (sexually transmitted infections), getting pregnant, being talked about the next day, being put in a position where we ended up doing what we didn’t want to do, feeling regret, shame and guilt or being heart broken.

You can be secure within yourself to not throw your sexuality away for a hook up at a party.

I just started dating someone and we want to have good boundaries. What are some?
 

This is such a great question. Its so important when setting boundaries in your relationship that you both agree to them, believe in WHY you are setting these boundaries and have someone you both can be accountable to. As much as boundaries are great, we really need people in our lives to help keep us on the right path, or help us get back on the right path if we cross a boundary.

Some boundaries that could work for you:

  • Write down on a piece of paper what is not ok for you…. be really specific. E.g. no sexual intercourse, no oral sex, no hands on parts of the body that are covered by a bathing suit, no marathon kissing sessions, no lying down next to someone. This specific might sound silly but its really necessary for you to know clearly what you are not ok with.
  • Don’t be home alone by yourselves or stay long periods of time in a car by yourselves (especially late at night)
  • Set a time where you both don’t hang out past e.g. 10pm we go our separate ways. When we are tired, we become weak and temptation is much easier.
  • Avoid sleepovers or going on holidays together (even if your with other people). Again, temptation is so much easier when it’s late at night.
  • Decide what you will do in a situation before you get there – pre-determined choices! E.g. if we are watching a movie together and there are sex scenes that come on, we will walk out of the movie or turn the movie off. Or if we are at a party together and everyone is drinking, we will not drink to avoid being sexually tempted.
  • Reserve the words ‘I love you’ for the right person who you will be in a long-term serious relationship with.
  • If you cross a boundary, make sure you talk to someone about it and not hide it. You will feel much better for telling someone and getting advice on how to move forward.

People call me a flirt but I don’t think I am. Why would they think that?
 

What you wear or how you act might give off this message to others without you even being aware that you are doing it. For example; if girls are wearing low cut tops and short skirts or shorts, people could think that you are flaunting your body off to others – even if you aren’t even thinking that. Or if you are kissing different girls at every party you go to, people might think you’re a flirt because you not serious about any of them but just enjoying the attention from these girls as you feel wanted.

Regardless of the situation, it is essential to remember that you can’t get your identity from other people. If you are feeling insecure, flirting with others, being sexually suggestive to others, is not going to fill the void that you desperately want to be filled. You need to discover your identity for yourself and understand you are LOVED and ACCEPTED no matter what! It does not depend on if you are wanted, desired or liked by the hottest guy or girl in your school.

I have a friend who is gay, should I be friends with them?
 


Of course you should. There is so much more to a person than their sexual identity. Every person is valuable and deserves love, respect and kindness. It shouldn’t be any different if their sexual preference is different to yours. Everyone has the desire to be loved, accepted and to belong. Even you! 🙂

How do I explain to my friends why I’m not going to have sex till I’m married?

What an awesome decision you have made! That is something to be proud of so don’t be embarrassed or ashamed about your decision. Don’t worry about what your friends or peers will think about you, be confident in your decision and what you believe in. Have you heard the quote ‘If you stand for nothing, you will fall for anything’? How great is it to be able to stand for something, especially about this topic of sex and not fall for anything that comes your way!

There is such a strong desire to fit in, especially as a young person because everyone wants to feel like they belong and are accepted. But don’t be afraid to be different and stand out. Many people don’t have any strong belief about their sexuality and you making a stand in your own personal life might inspire others to do the same. Be the light and stand out – stand up for what you believe in.

& hey, if you have stuffed up before and have decided you don’t want to do that anymore and want to save sex for marriage, you are a legend! It is so possible.

May I encourage you all to have someone you can talk to and be accountable to? Accountability is just having someone in your life that can help you live out your decision and if you encounter any tempting situations, you have someone you can help you through it. We can’t do it alone!

Secret Sexuality

2 Nov

If there is anything that is held in secret the most, it would probably be secrets to do with our sexuality. Mainly driven by feelings of shame, humiliation, embarrassment and fear.

We have all been created as sexual beings. There is not escaping this truth. Living life as a sexual being is something we all need to learn how to negotiate and not HIDE.

What sexual secrets are people hiding????

Pornography
Masturbation
Lustful thoughts
Sexual identity
Promiscuous sexual activity
Cheating on a partner
….Just to name a few.

I’m sure we all know that it’s not that easy to talk about our sexual secrets. We are often scared about what people will think of us when they find out we have a problem – “they will think I’m dirty”, “they will look at me differently”, “they will judge me”, “people will look down on me”. This is a big reason why we keep things in the dark.

We think secrets are safe because no one knows about them. If we put up a front and make everything look great on the outside, no one will know how bad things are on the inside. Right?

Secrets can catch up on us. It will come out in the wash eventually.

When we have a secret that we want to keep hidden, the fear of anyone finding out drives us to spin lies and create cover-up stories to continue to hide our secret.  Ever seen the movie ‘Catch me if you can’? The problem is its so hard to keep up with all the lies that have been created, we end up digging ourselves into a great big hole and the only way to get out is to either get caught out or tell the truth to someone and get help! Getting caught out would not be the preferred by to deal with our sexual secrets. Its more humiliating and embarrassing than telling someone what’s really going on.

You can set yourself free by telling the truth! Find someone you can TRUST (that’s the key!) – a youth leader, a trusted adult, a professional counsellor or health professional. It will need to be someone other than a friend your age. They need to be trustworthy, non-judgemental and can give you some WISDOM and PERSPECTIVE whilst keeping your confidentiality. You don’t need to go public and tell everyone, you just need one person or a select few people you can trust. Get someone to help you stay accountable in getting help and staying on the right track.

You will feel so much better that someone else knows your secret and you don’t have to keep hiding it from everyone. It can be so helpful when your thoughts are out and no festering inside your head.

Please know that none of us are perfect (even if people make out they are). We all need to learn how to navigate our life well as a sexual being. Keep going and don’t give up!

The big ‘M’ word….

9 Sep

Yep, bet you all thought it was Marriage. I’m actually talking about Masturbation.

Masturbation is the physical act of relieving sexual tension without requiring a partner.  Many people do it. Not many people talk about it. That’s why I’m talking about it.

People can believe masturbation is harmless. It is not hurting anybody and it’s self-pleasurable. BUT just because it may seem harmless does not mean it’s helpful. Many things in life can seem harmless but indeed are not helpful to our growth and development.

Masturbation can be unhealthy when….

* It becomes a habit, as habits can be hard to break. Masturbating can become obsessive and addictive. It can dominate your thoughts and behaviours and it can become all you want to do.

* You are fantasising in your mind over people or a person you shouldn’t be thinking about in that way. Fantasising can create a craving for that person in an intense sexual way.

Some things to think about…..

What are you looking at?
What you look at can influence what you desire. E.g. if you have a picture of a hot girl on your folder, your attraction and desire for her will increase the more you look at her. The more you look at her, the more you will desire her and when there is desire, there is sexual arousal. Pornography or movies with a high level of sexual content as well as reading books that detail sexual experiences in the storyline, can make a person sexually aroused.

What are you thinking about?
‘So a man thinks, he is.’ What you focus your mind and thoughts on, you will become. It will be your focus and your vision. E.g. if you think about chocolate cake, all you will want to do is eat chocolate cake. The more you think about it, the more you will want to eat it. The greater this desire, the greater the effort you will go to, to eat chocolate cake.

Who are you fantasising over? If it’s not your partner, you are on dangerous ground. Fantasising about anyone else who is not your partner will not help you stay faithful. You will eventually prefer the relationship you are having in your head to your real-life relationship in reality. Because the fantasy world is not real, it will stimulate you in a way that your partner is not able to. Eventually you will prefer your fantasy relationship, as your real-life relationship won’t be able to compete with the relationship you have created in your head.
Can you be faithful to the person you are with, if you are fantasising over someone else in your head? Harmless it may seem (because nobody knows what you are thinking but you) but harmful it really is. Being unfaithful starts in the mind before is becomes a behaviour.

Why are you doing it?
Some people do it to relieve sexual tension, some people do it to experiment with their body and find out how it all works. Other people do it because they are lonely or feel bad about themselves and they want to make themselves feel better.

Think about why you are doing it. Is it healthy or unhealthy for you? Do you find you can’t stop? Are you doing it to cover up something deeper you don’t know how to deal with? Masturbation won’t help you deal with feelings of loneliness, depression, anxiety or unworthiness.Dealing with something hard like this can be easier when you’re working it out  with someone else. Speaking to a trusted adult or professional counsellor could help with that. For your futures sake, it’s worth dealing with now rather than later.

“It’s fine now because I’m single”. You can’t assume that you will be able to stop when you get into a relationship or that your partner will be fine with you continuing to masturbate. A relationship does not change things or solve all our problems. In fact the opposite happens, all our problems come to the surface when 2 people come together. Also, who wants to be with someone who isn’t satisfied with them that they have to go off to satisfy themselves alone?

If it has become a habit or an obsessive addiction that needs to be addressed there is good news! Developing and exercising self-control can help you tackle this area of your life. It is possible and here could be some strategies….

  • Cut out the things you are looking at and control your thinking patterns – don’t let your mind wonder. The minute your mind starts wondering, stop the thought and do something different.
  • Go to bed early and avoid staying up late surfing the Internet with no purpose.
  • Remove the computer and TV from your room.
  • Don’t stay in bed longer than you need to.
  • Stop watching movies, youtube and music video clips with high sexual content – change the channel!
  • Throw out magazines or novels with sexual content.
  • Remove the safari app from your iphone and install an Internet protection app instead.
  • Socialise with friends more and spend less time alone by yourself at home, especially if that’s your weak spot.

Being accountable, humble and transparent and allowing someone to walk the journey with you can help you gain control of this area of your sexuality. What has helped you? Email sexthewholestory@hotmail.com


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