Tag Archives: attachment

More to sex than mere skin on skin

18 Sep

When I was a kid, I LOVED Christmas morning. I was so excited about waking up in the morning and running downstairs to the Christmas tree to search for all the presents that had my name on it. My excitement made me not want to go to sleep. If I didn’t sleep, I could open my presents in the middle of the night and not have to wait till the morning. Oh the joy of Christmas morning! The excitement of seeing wrapped gifts with my name on it. The surprise on my face when I opened the gifts. It’s such a wonderful experience. It made me feel so special.

Every one desires to be loved, accepted and to belong. This is universal. It is intrinsic to our human make-up.  We were created for relationship.

Today’s culture is very much a sexualised culture. Sex is expected and assumed when you hook up with someone and especially when you enter into a relationship. But is this type of culture actually healthy for us and our futures? Are the people we are sleeping with even worth what we are giving them?

There’s more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact.

Sex is deeply intimate and extremely vulnerable. It joins two people together as one. Sex deepens our love and bond with someone. It is life-creating and extremely relational. It was designed to be experienced in the confines of marriage where the devotion and commitment is for life – the ‘till death do us part’ commitment, the ‘no matter what happens, I’m sticking by your side’ devotion, creating a safe and loving environment for the couple to be completely exposed, vulnerable and intimate. Sex was created to seal and unify a marriage joining the 2 people as 1 – body, soul and spirit. It is the ultimate expression of LOVE. Powerful and completely beautiful!

Now there was a time when I couldn’t wait to see what I was going to get for Christmas. A few weeks before Christmas, I searched the whole house when my parents weren’t home. I knew that had already bought me gifts and I knew they were in the house somewhere. I finally found them in a cupboard. The gifts were already wrapped up with my name on it. This was going to be tricky. I carefully peeled the sticky tape off and slowly opened each side of the present making sure I didn’t rip the paper. It was exciting to see what gifts I was going to receive but once I knew what I was getting, I must admit, I felt a bit bad, a bit guilty, a little cheated that I had wrecked the surprise for myself on Christmas morning. When Christmas morning came, I tried to act surprised like I was opening my gifts for the first time. Truth be told, it just was not as special as it would have been if I didn’t take that sneak peak weeks before.

Our sexuality is a unique gift that we give to another person. Waiting for the right person and giving it to them in a committed, secure, long-term relationship makes the experience so special for both people. Awakening love before the right time can rob you of a beautiful experience and leave you feeling guilty and regretful. Think about this…. when I finally decide I want to spend my life with this person, what have I saved to give them?

Sex comes with an attachment.

After breaking up with my boyfriend that I had sex with, I felt deep rejection and heartache. Even though I knew that breaking up was the right thing to do, I felt a part of me was given to him that I wouldn’t be able to get back…..I was intimate and vulnerable with my boyfriend and from that I developed a strong connection to him. It made it even harder for me to not want to get back with him. I was left feeling unloved and lonely….looking back, I wish I didn’t sleep with him.” Elisa

When we have sex with one person, we get attached to them. We feel deeply connected with them and desire to be with them. Hormones oxytocin and prolactin are released in our brains making us feel a deep union with the person we’re having sex with. This explains why sex is designed in a ‘for-life committed relationship’. Casual sex – ‘friends with benefits’, ‘sex with no strings attached’ is not possible as sex comes with an attachment. We bond with the person we are having sex with and develop a deep connection with them.

Try before you buy. 

If you had a choice between a brand new fragrance or a tester fragrance, which one would you choose? Of course the brand new fragrance! The tester fragrance has been tried out before with many people wearing the fragrance. The brand new bottle has never been used.

 

“If I wait till our wedding night to have sex with my wife, what about if she is crap in bed? Then I will be stuck with her. It makes more sense to me to find out what she is like before I marry her.” Dean

Who wants to be the person “tried out” before bought? It cheapens a person down to their sexual performance and creates comparison. It doesn’t make a person feel special or unique. The gift of sex is cheapened and makes the sexual experience all about self-pleasure. And what about if the person you marry is good in bed but then turns bad? A virgin has nothing to compare their experience to.

A great lover is not just about how experienced they are in the bedroom or how many sexual techniques they can do. What makes a great lover is there ability to satisfy one person for their whole life and to be satisfied by one person for their whole life. To be a great lover requires work – effort, time & a willingness to learn. It requires openness and vulnerability. The sex shown in movies and through the media is fake. No ones sex life is as perfect as the movies portray – that’s why it’s a movie!

Sex can cloud a person’s view of their relationship.  Take sex out of the relationship and you will see what is left. Is it based on a solid foundation or simply mutual pleasure? Mutual pleasure will only last while its convenient.

Sex shouldn’t be a bandaid to fill intimacy. Pursuing the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy leaves us more lonely than ever…. We must treat someone in sexual intimacy like we want to be treated. Remember that you are fooling around with someone else’s future partner.

Our sexuality is valuable. It is a special gift and it is WORTH giving to only one person, in a life-long committed relationship, who will look after, cherish and appreciate it.

Sex and each other need to be treated with the upmost respect.

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