“Why I’m not doing it….”

16 Jan

“God designed sex, he believes in sex but God also wants to protect us and not see us hurt.”

“My parents were very open about their past experiences and mistakes they made about their sexuality. They wanted us to learn from their mistakes rather than learn the hard way. Parents honestly want what’s best for us. My parent’s influence on my choice to wait to have sex until I’m married wasn’t forced upon me or shoved in my face. They told me their stories, the good things and their regrets, and I was able to decide myself. I am so thankful they shared their experiences with me.

A lot of my friends were indifferent about when it was okay to have sex. At 15, most of my friends were sexually active. I watched my girl and boy friends regret the sexual relations they had. They thought they loved someone and shared something with their sexual partners that they could never get back. I cannot tell you one friend who did not regret their first time.

At 17, I made the decision to not have sex until I was married. Then I met my first boyfriend and we dated for a year. We decided to not have sex because of our faith but this definitely was not easy to do, especially when all my friends were sexually active.

It wasn’t enough that the bible says ‘not to have sex before marriage’ to be my reason for waiting – I need to find out the whole story for myself. I searched out the scriptures to find out WHY the bible encourages us not to have sex until marriage. God designed sex, he believes in sex but God also wants to protect us and not see us hurt. Sex within marriage is how we can be safe and secure because marriage is designed for the long term.

Sex impacts a person intellectually, emotionally and socially. On top of the risks of picking up a sexually transmitted infection (STIs), getting pregnant or contracting HIV/AIDS, we are chemically connecting with people when we have sex and the more partners we have the less we are able to connect with one person. I would rather wait and form that strong bond with the one person I spend the rest of my life with.

Our sexuality is beautiful but its up to us to learn about it. We are all dealing with the same issues so why not talk about it?”
Cheryl, 22 yrs.

What is your story??? Email sexthewholestory@hotmail.com and let us know if you are comfortable to share it with others through this blog.

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Screen Your Movies

3 Jan

To anyone out there who would like to know how to screen movies before they watch them, there is a great website that does this for you….. http://www.imdb.com provides detailed descriptions of movies for the viewers benefit.

Scroll down to “PARENTS GUIDE” for a detailed description on Sex & Nudity, Profanity, Alcohol/Drugs/Smoking, Frightening/Intense Scenes. This is way helpful, particularly if you are taking young people to the movies.

It is also an App for ipad and iphone which is free. http://www.imdb.com/apps

There is no excuse now for not knowing about a movie before you watch it 🙂

In-flight Movies

20 Dec

On a flight on my way home from Hong Kong, I thought I would check out some in-flight movies. Baby is asleep, I have an hour, let’s catch up on the movie world! I started watching “Friends with Benefits” and didn’t get very far until every scene became a sex scene. I became rather uncomfortable thinking what other passengers and flight attendants would think if they walked by and looked at my screen. I switched movies. I wanted to watch something light-hearted and funny so I started watching “The Change Up”. I wasn’t too far into the movie when my screen became dominated by some sickening sex scene which was pretty much soft porn. I was shocked! I quickly pressed fast forward to skip the scene but every scene after that soft porn scene was a sex scene. I turned the movie off. It was either that or fast-forward the whole movie. This made me really ticked off! Is this really the kind of movie content out there now? Can I not watch a movie that is not all about sex?

TRUTH: Watching movies with a high level of sex scenes will get you thinking more about sex. It just will….there is no escaping it. The more you think about sex, the more you want to have sex & the messages the movies of today are telling their viewers is ‘go and have sex and have sex with anyone!’ ‘Sex is fun and it doesn’t hurt anyone!’ Definitely not the most helpful information to tell people!

QUESTION:

How do you handle movies with a high level of sex scenes?

Do you feel you have to continue watching the scene or are you comfortable fast-forwarding it?

When your alone do you watch it or still fast-forward it? (What do you really do when no-one is watching?)

Do you screen movies (find out a bit about the movie & its rating) before watching them to make sure they are ok to watch?

If your friends want to watch a movie that you know is all about sex, do you suggest another movie or watch it anyway?

It’s so important to protect our thought life. The images we see on the screen are imprinted into our minds making it too easy to retrieve the images at any given time. When we have sexual images going through our mind, it’s very hard to keep our thought life clean and pure (not thinking about sex).

Here is a simple fact: Sex in real life is NOTHING like the movies. It’s not comparable. Sex scene in the movies is just ACTING. Don’t get sucked in to thinking that your real-life sex life will be like the movies.

You can have control over your thought life; your thought life does not have to control you.

Thoughts on screening movies:

  1. Find out a bit about the movie before you watch it. Is there a good story line or is just about relationship garbage? (I find there are way too many relationship garbage & sleeping around movies out there at the moment.)
    If there are no good movies in the cinema, just don’t watch one. Do something else that’s fun. You don’t have to settle and watch a movie that is rubbish.
  2. If your friends are watching it, you don’t have to. Take a stand. Walk out of the room, go home, hang out another time or hang out with someone else.
  3. Don’t feel you have to watch the sex scene. Pick up the remote and press fast forward or turn the movie off.
  4. Protect your thought life. No one else will. It is yours to control.

Sex = Taboo?!

2 Dec

When it comes to talking about sex, why do we go quiet, shut down, say next to nothing and avoid????

Growing up, did your parents talk to you about sex? If so, how much detail did they go into? Did you have questions you didn’t feel comfortable to ask?

Talking to people about what their parents taught them about sex, they say it was always an uncomfortable conversation. Uncomfortable for the parent and uncomfortable for the kid. Something that lasts 5 seconds and both people can’t wait for the conversation to end.
When the kid grows up into an adult, I wonder if their conversations about sex with their parents get any more comfortable…..probably not because they have grown up knowing that it’s not comfortable to talk about sex in the open.

We should keep nothing in the dark. Bringing things into the open brings freedom.
E.g. You may like a girl in your class and you find yourself always thinking about her. You talk to your friends about her all the time but when it comes to telling her how you feel, your heart is filled with anxiety and fear – ‘What about if she doesn’t like me back?’. But if you never put your feelings out in the open and tell her how you feel, you will never know whether she shares the same feelings for you. The freedom you get from sharing your feelings is knowing whether she feels the same way or you need to move on. There is freedom when you bring things out into the open.

The truth is young people are more comfortable learning about sex from magazines, books, Internet and friends. But when it comes to talking to adults, youth leaders, parents, counsellors, Pastors, Doctors, health professionals etc, the topic of sex is avoided……which is sad I think because all these people have great wisdom and knowledge to share with others too.

Have you ever talked to anyone aside from your friends about sex? Who was it? How did it go?

If you could talk to anyone about the topic of sex and dating and had the freedom to ask anything you wanted without being judged, what would you ask?

If you don’t have anyone in your world you feel comfortable talking to, you can chat to me….. I will answer your questions direct, email me sexthewholestory@hotmail.com or start a conversation below by commenting on this post.

Let’s get an open conversation started! 🙂

Young People Need Answers….

13 Nov

Recently I was asked some questions by some awesome young people which I have endeavored to answer below.

If you have a question, I’d love to hear from you. Ask away and I will do my best to answer it. We need to be open about talking about this stuff and not keeping it all a secret. I bet what you are asking so many other young people are asking too. Email sexthewholestory@hotmail.com or reply below to this post.

My friends at school talk about sex all the time – Should I be a part of these conversations?
 


We need to be talking about sex. Its not something that should be taboo or kept in the dark (something you figure out or learn about on your own without anyone knowing). God created sex and we need godly wisdom on how we can navigate our lives as sexual beings.

There is so much information about sex out there but not everything is always helpful. Talking to our friends may not be the most helpful thing for us, especially if we need some guidance for a certain situation we are going through. Talk to someone who can give you some perspective and wisdom for your situation – a parent, pastor, youth leader, counselor or health professional. Don’t be afraid to ask them any questions you have – no question is too silly to ask! The more information you have, the better informed you are to make your decision.

I know porn is bad, but what counts as porn? Like sex scenes in movies?
 


Porn is anything that degrades men and women, treats people as sexual objects to be consumed and can produce a desire for sexual arousal by the viewer. Porn can be found in magazines, tv, advertisements and the internet. Sex scenes in a movie are not necessarily porn but can have the potential to get a person sexually aroused, depending on the level of sex scene and the rating of the movie. E.g. the level of sex scene content in an R or MA rated movie is higher than an M rated movie. That’s why it’s so important to exercise wisdom in what we watch and if we find the movie we are watching has too many sex scenes, switch it off or fast-forward the scene. Its ok to not watch it.

What does the bible say about masturbation?

The bible doesn’t say anything specifically about masturbation. It doesn’t say its ok and it doesn’t say it’s not ok. But the bible does talk a lot about lust – lustful desires, lustful thoughts, and lustful pleasures.

Lust = like a craving, uncontrollable, an intense sexual desire, an overmastering desire.

“Run from anything that stimulates youthful lusts.” 2 Timothy 2.22

“Have nothing to do with sexual immorality, impurity, lust and evil desires.” Col 3.5
 


I recently wrote a blog about this topic called ‘The big M word’ – check it out.

Masturbation can become a habit that is hard to break. It can become obsessive and addictive. If you are struggling with masturbation, I strongly encourage you to talk to someone you can trust and who can help you with it. You can gain control over this issue. Its never too late to get help.

Is it really that bad to hook up at parties for fun?
 


It might be good to ask yourself these questions…. Is what I am doing respecting myself? Is it respecting the other person? Is this something I may regret the next day?

Our sexuality is highly valuable. There is no price that equals the value of our sexuality, its priceless. It was given to us from God as a gift, to be treasured, guarded and protected until the right time when it can be used, in marriage as a celebration of love.

So is it really worth throwing away for a moment of instant gratification? I love this quote from Jeanne Mayo in her book ‘Uncensored Dating, Friendship & Sex’ (highly recommend it):

“You are free to ignore the commandments of God but never free to avoid the consequences.”

There are consequences to all our behaviors & in this situation, there are very real consequences such as contracting STIs (sexually transmitted infections), getting pregnant, being talked about the next day, being put in a position where we ended up doing what we didn’t want to do, feeling regret, shame and guilt or being heart broken.

You can be secure within yourself to not throw your sexuality away for a hook up at a party.

I just started dating someone and we want to have good boundaries. What are some?
 

This is such a great question. Its so important when setting boundaries in your relationship that you both agree to them, believe in WHY you are setting these boundaries and have someone you both can be accountable to. As much as boundaries are great, we really need people in our lives to help keep us on the right path, or help us get back on the right path if we cross a boundary.

Some boundaries that could work for you:

  • Write down on a piece of paper what is not ok for you…. be really specific. E.g. no sexual intercourse, no oral sex, no hands on parts of the body that are covered by a bathing suit, no marathon kissing sessions, no lying down next to someone. This specific might sound silly but its really necessary for you to know clearly what you are not ok with.
  • Don’t be home alone by yourselves or stay long periods of time in a car by yourselves (especially late at night)
  • Set a time where you both don’t hang out past e.g. 10pm we go our separate ways. When we are tired, we become weak and temptation is much easier.
  • Avoid sleepovers or going on holidays together (even if your with other people). Again, temptation is so much easier when it’s late at night.
  • Decide what you will do in a situation before you get there – pre-determined choices! E.g. if we are watching a movie together and there are sex scenes that come on, we will walk out of the movie or turn the movie off. Or if we are at a party together and everyone is drinking, we will not drink to avoid being sexually tempted.
  • Reserve the words ‘I love you’ for the right person who you will be in a long-term serious relationship with.
  • If you cross a boundary, make sure you talk to someone about it and not hide it. You will feel much better for telling someone and getting advice on how to move forward.

People call me a flirt but I don’t think I am. Why would they think that?
 

What you wear or how you act might give off this message to others without you even being aware that you are doing it. For example; if girls are wearing low cut tops and short skirts or shorts, people could think that you are flaunting your body off to others – even if you aren’t even thinking that. Or if you are kissing different girls at every party you go to, people might think you’re a flirt because you not serious about any of them but just enjoying the attention from these girls as you feel wanted.

Regardless of the situation, it is essential to remember that you can’t get your identity from other people. If you are feeling insecure, flirting with others, being sexually suggestive to others, is not going to fill the void that you desperately want to be filled. You need to discover your identity for yourself and understand you are LOVED and ACCEPTED no matter what! It does not depend on if you are wanted, desired or liked by the hottest guy or girl in your school.

I have a friend who is gay, should I be friends with them?
 


Of course you should. There is so much more to a person than their sexual identity. Every person is valuable and deserves love, respect and kindness. It shouldn’t be any different if their sexual preference is different to yours. Everyone has the desire to be loved, accepted and to belong. Even you! 🙂

How do I explain to my friends why I’m not going to have sex till I’m married?

What an awesome decision you have made! That is something to be proud of so don’t be embarrassed or ashamed about your decision. Don’t worry about what your friends or peers will think about you, be confident in your decision and what you believe in. Have you heard the quote ‘If you stand for nothing, you will fall for anything’? How great is it to be able to stand for something, especially about this topic of sex and not fall for anything that comes your way!

There is such a strong desire to fit in, especially as a young person because everyone wants to feel like they belong and are accepted. But don’t be afraid to be different and stand out. Many people don’t have any strong belief about their sexuality and you making a stand in your own personal life might inspire others to do the same. Be the light and stand out – stand up for what you believe in.

& hey, if you have stuffed up before and have decided you don’t want to do that anymore and want to save sex for marriage, you are a legend! It is so possible.

May I encourage you all to have someone you can talk to and be accountable to? Accountability is just having someone in your life that can help you live out your decision and if you encounter any tempting situations, you have someone you can help you through it. We can’t do it alone!

Secret Sexuality

2 Nov

If there is anything that is held in secret the most, it would probably be secrets to do with our sexuality. Mainly driven by feelings of shame, humiliation, embarrassment and fear.

We have all been created as sexual beings. There is not escaping this truth. Living life as a sexual being is something we all need to learn how to negotiate and not HIDE.

What sexual secrets are people hiding????

Pornography
Masturbation
Lustful thoughts
Sexual identity
Promiscuous sexual activity
Cheating on a partner
….Just to name a few.

I’m sure we all know that it’s not that easy to talk about our sexual secrets. We are often scared about what people will think of us when they find out we have a problem – “they will think I’m dirty”, “they will look at me differently”, “they will judge me”, “people will look down on me”. This is a big reason why we keep things in the dark.

We think secrets are safe because no one knows about them. If we put up a front and make everything look great on the outside, no one will know how bad things are on the inside. Right?

Secrets can catch up on us. It will come out in the wash eventually.

When we have a secret that we want to keep hidden, the fear of anyone finding out drives us to spin lies and create cover-up stories to continue to hide our secret.  Ever seen the movie ‘Catch me if you can’? The problem is its so hard to keep up with all the lies that have been created, we end up digging ourselves into a great big hole and the only way to get out is to either get caught out or tell the truth to someone and get help! Getting caught out would not be the preferred by to deal with our sexual secrets. Its more humiliating and embarrassing than telling someone what’s really going on.

You can set yourself free by telling the truth! Find someone you can TRUST (that’s the key!) – a youth leader, a trusted adult, a professional counsellor or health professional. It will need to be someone other than a friend your age. They need to be trustworthy, non-judgemental and can give you some WISDOM and PERSPECTIVE whilst keeping your confidentiality. You don’t need to go public and tell everyone, you just need one person or a select few people you can trust. Get someone to help you stay accountable in getting help and staying on the right track.

You will feel so much better that someone else knows your secret and you don’t have to keep hiding it from everyone. It can be so helpful when your thoughts are out and no festering inside your head.

Please know that none of us are perfect (even if people make out they are). We all need to learn how to navigate our life well as a sexual being. Keep going and don’t give up!

Frame Your Life: Part III

23 Oct

Guard your heart

for out of it flows

the issues of life

Frame your life with what you want, don’t let others do it for you.  What your life will look like will depend on what you are willing to let in your life and what you will not accept.

IDENTITY IS NOT JUST ‘US’

Some of us when we get into a relationship can loose who we are. We don’t like what we used to like and we don’t do what we used to do. Our values, goals and vision for our life changes to be like the person we are dating.

Your individual identity is so unique, don’t loose it just because you are in a relationship. You are a person outside of your relationship.

CHEATING

Not a nice word hey. Betrayal. Disloyalty. Deception. Also not nice words. Unfortunately though, it is some people’s reality.

What are you boundaries around cheating? Is it ok if they were sorry? Blind drunk and didn’t know what they were doing? Ok because the other person took advantage of your partner or you? What about if you were on ‘a break’? Or if you don’t get caught, is that ok then?

If he/she cheated on you once, how will you know they won’t do it again? If you were cheated on while you were dating, why wouldn’t it happen when you’re married?

Faithfulness starts while dating & continues on through marriage. Marriage doesn’t fix someone’s faithfulness. It’s an active choice to be faithful.

KEEP YOUR FRIENDS

Ever had a friend that’s dropped you to hang out with their new boyfriend/girlfriend Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday! Before they know it….they haven’t spoken to you in weeks! What’s with that?!

You can have the relationship and keep your friends. It’s a choice and a wise choice to make cos what happens if you break up down the track and you have no friends to turn too?

Also, don’t be so insecure that you both have to be joined to the hip. You have goals, dreams, friends, family, education, work, hobbies and interests (just to name a few). There is GOLD inside you. Be confident in who you are as a unique one-of-a-kind individual. If you break up, your world won’t fall apart. There is so much more to you than just your relationship.

SECOND BEST

Why do people settle for second best? They are not prepared to wait for the right person, they don’t believe there is anyone better out there or they don’t believe they will find someone else, they would rather be ‘with someone’ than be alone or they think they can change or fix the person. Whatever the reason, it is generally motivated by personal fears and insecurities.

You are WORTH far more than to just settle for second best! Settling for second best is simply not trusting that there is better out there for you.

To avoid settling – know what you want and be prepared to wait. Go, hang out and get to know people but don’t jump into the first relationship on offer without considering if that person is right for you. View my post on ‘Is this person the ‘right’ one for me?’ for thoughts on knowing if they are the right one.

In the long run, you will be thanking yourself that you waited and are with the right person and happy.

VERBAL & EMOTIONAL GARBAGE

The words we speak have an impact on people’s lives around us. Sometimes we can tend to take for granted and not appreciate the people closest to us. Nevertheless, it’s not an excuse to mistreat people.

Maybe you find yourself in a relationship that is not very encouraging. Things might be great sometimes but other times it can get nasty…you might cop verbal, emotional or physical abuse. Regardless of the circumstance, abuse is NOT ok. It can start with name calling when an argument erupts and can lead to so much more.

If you are experiencing physical abuse, get out of that relationship now! It is not always an easy thing to do, so tell someone and ask for help. Don’t do it alone.

Draw a line on what verbal or emotional abuse you will or will not tolerate. E.g. should a girl accept being called a ‘bitch’ by her boyfriend?

Be aware of what emotional manipulation is. It is playing with your emotions so the other person can get what they want. E.g. “If you don’t have sex with me, you don’t love me.” You can love someone and not have sex with them.

GIRLS should be treated with value, respect and honour. GUYS should be treated with value, respect and honour. There is no difference if you are a guy or a girl. People are incredibly valuable and deserve respect and honour.

SHARING WITH YOUR FRIENDS

What do you tell your friends about your partner or relationship? Be careful how much intimate and personal information you share about your partner. They are telling YOU because they are building a trusting relationship with you. What they tell you is not always for you to tell others. Why break the trust that you have been working hard to build? It’s much harder to build trust back up again when it has been broken. We are often only vulnerable to one or a few people in our lives because we trust them. Don’t take that trust for granted.

& hey, why do we like to bag out our partners ex’s? Or our ex’s new partners? We think it will make us feel better but who really feels good after tearing someone else apart with horrible words. It doesn’t make us look good, in fact we look hurt, insecure or jealous. And here’s another thought, the ‘ex’ could actually be a nice person! Gossip is no conversation builder and doesn’t make anyone feel encouraged or empowered. You can be the bigger person – don’t go there in your conversations.

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