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Girls Talk

6 Aug

 

As a teen, what is it that you wish someone would tell you about sex, dating and relationships?

I recently came across an article by The National Campaign & Seventeen about what girls have to say about sex, love and relationships.

It had some helpful advice that I’m sure many of us past the teen years wished someone told us when we were teenagers! Hope it helps some of you who are going through the wonderful and fun but very challenging “teen” years!

Advice for teen girls

It’s OK to WAIT! It’s okay to be a virgin when you graduate from high school. Don’t give in to the pressure to “get it over with”.

Pressure is real and so is REGRET.

Use protection every time. No excuses!
Getting pregnant, contracting a Sexually Transmitted Infection (STIs) or HIV is not worth the RISK!

Having sex for the first time is a BIG DEAL but it’s rarely a fairytale.
It’s not as glamorous as the movies make out.

Parents are important. Don’t be afraid to talk to them about the personal stuff.
Most girls want to talk to their parents about this stuff during high school and even after finishing school.

Most girls would change something about their romantic lives in high school if they could.
43% who already had sex wished they waited longer.

Don’t do something that makes you uncomfortable just to please a guy.
Set your limit and say no.

You can say no, even if you’ve said yes before.
You don’t have to have sex with someone just because you’ve done it before.

There is no need to stress about falling in love, it will happen someday.

Its better to break up than stay in a relationship that’s bad for you.
You can find better, even if you don’t believe it right now.

Don’t spend your time worry about trying to impress boys.
Spend your time trying to be the best person you can be.

Its important to have guys in your life that you are “just friends” with.

Its not cool to tease someone for not having any or enough sexual experience.

Not EVERYONE is having sex. Less people are having sex than you actually think are.

Most people who “hook up” with someone in the hope that it will turn into something more regret doing so.

Set boundaries when it comes to sex and hooking up. Don’t be influenced or manipulated by the guy, your friends or the environment you are in.

Don’t ever do something you are not comfortable with just to please a guy. You will regret it, especially when that becomes not enough to please him.

Believe in yourself & be confident in who you are!

For more information about the article “Girl Talk” visit http://www.thenationalcampaign.org/resources/pdf/pubs/girl-talk.pdf

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Young People Need Answers….

13 Nov

Recently I was asked some questions by some awesome young people which I have endeavored to answer below.

If you have a question, I’d love to hear from you. Ask away and I will do my best to answer it. We need to be open about talking about this stuff and not keeping it all a secret. I bet what you are asking so many other young people are asking too. Email sexthewholestory@hotmail.com or reply below to this post.

My friends at school talk about sex all the time – Should I be a part of these conversations?
 


We need to be talking about sex. Its not something that should be taboo or kept in the dark (something you figure out or learn about on your own without anyone knowing). God created sex and we need godly wisdom on how we can navigate our lives as sexual beings.

There is so much information about sex out there but not everything is always helpful. Talking to our friends may not be the most helpful thing for us, especially if we need some guidance for a certain situation we are going through. Talk to someone who can give you some perspective and wisdom for your situation – a parent, pastor, youth leader, counselor or health professional. Don’t be afraid to ask them any questions you have – no question is too silly to ask! The more information you have, the better informed you are to make your decision.

I know porn is bad, but what counts as porn? Like sex scenes in movies?
 


Porn is anything that degrades men and women, treats people as sexual objects to be consumed and can produce a desire for sexual arousal by the viewer. Porn can be found in magazines, tv, advertisements and the internet. Sex scenes in a movie are not necessarily porn but can have the potential to get a person sexually aroused, depending on the level of sex scene and the rating of the movie. E.g. the level of sex scene content in an R or MA rated movie is higher than an M rated movie. That’s why it’s so important to exercise wisdom in what we watch and if we find the movie we are watching has too many sex scenes, switch it off or fast-forward the scene. Its ok to not watch it.

What does the bible say about masturbation?

The bible doesn’t say anything specifically about masturbation. It doesn’t say its ok and it doesn’t say it’s not ok. But the bible does talk a lot about lust – lustful desires, lustful thoughts, and lustful pleasures.

Lust = like a craving, uncontrollable, an intense sexual desire, an overmastering desire.

“Run from anything that stimulates youthful lusts.” 2 Timothy 2.22

“Have nothing to do with sexual immorality, impurity, lust and evil desires.” Col 3.5
 


I recently wrote a blog about this topic called ‘The big M word’ – check it out.

Masturbation can become a habit that is hard to break. It can become obsessive and addictive. If you are struggling with masturbation, I strongly encourage you to talk to someone you can trust and who can help you with it. You can gain control over this issue. Its never too late to get help.

Is it really that bad to hook up at parties for fun?
 


It might be good to ask yourself these questions…. Is what I am doing respecting myself? Is it respecting the other person? Is this something I may regret the next day?

Our sexuality is highly valuable. There is no price that equals the value of our sexuality, its priceless. It was given to us from God as a gift, to be treasured, guarded and protected until the right time when it can be used, in marriage as a celebration of love.

So is it really worth throwing away for a moment of instant gratification? I love this quote from Jeanne Mayo in her book ‘Uncensored Dating, Friendship & Sex’ (highly recommend it):

“You are free to ignore the commandments of God but never free to avoid the consequences.”

There are consequences to all our behaviors & in this situation, there are very real consequences such as contracting STIs (sexually transmitted infections), getting pregnant, being talked about the next day, being put in a position where we ended up doing what we didn’t want to do, feeling regret, shame and guilt or being heart broken.

You can be secure within yourself to not throw your sexuality away for a hook up at a party.

I just started dating someone and we want to have good boundaries. What are some?
 

This is such a great question. Its so important when setting boundaries in your relationship that you both agree to them, believe in WHY you are setting these boundaries and have someone you both can be accountable to. As much as boundaries are great, we really need people in our lives to help keep us on the right path, or help us get back on the right path if we cross a boundary.

Some boundaries that could work for you:

  • Write down on a piece of paper what is not ok for you…. be really specific. E.g. no sexual intercourse, no oral sex, no hands on parts of the body that are covered by a bathing suit, no marathon kissing sessions, no lying down next to someone. This specific might sound silly but its really necessary for you to know clearly what you are not ok with.
  • Don’t be home alone by yourselves or stay long periods of time in a car by yourselves (especially late at night)
  • Set a time where you both don’t hang out past e.g. 10pm we go our separate ways. When we are tired, we become weak and temptation is much easier.
  • Avoid sleepovers or going on holidays together (even if your with other people). Again, temptation is so much easier when it’s late at night.
  • Decide what you will do in a situation before you get there – pre-determined choices! E.g. if we are watching a movie together and there are sex scenes that come on, we will walk out of the movie or turn the movie off. Or if we are at a party together and everyone is drinking, we will not drink to avoid being sexually tempted.
  • Reserve the words ‘I love you’ for the right person who you will be in a long-term serious relationship with.
  • If you cross a boundary, make sure you talk to someone about it and not hide it. You will feel much better for telling someone and getting advice on how to move forward.

People call me a flirt but I don’t think I am. Why would they think that?
 

What you wear or how you act might give off this message to others without you even being aware that you are doing it. For example; if girls are wearing low cut tops and short skirts or shorts, people could think that you are flaunting your body off to others – even if you aren’t even thinking that. Or if you are kissing different girls at every party you go to, people might think you’re a flirt because you not serious about any of them but just enjoying the attention from these girls as you feel wanted.

Regardless of the situation, it is essential to remember that you can’t get your identity from other people. If you are feeling insecure, flirting with others, being sexually suggestive to others, is not going to fill the void that you desperately want to be filled. You need to discover your identity for yourself and understand you are LOVED and ACCEPTED no matter what! It does not depend on if you are wanted, desired or liked by the hottest guy or girl in your school.

I have a friend who is gay, should I be friends with them?
 


Of course you should. There is so much more to a person than their sexual identity. Every person is valuable and deserves love, respect and kindness. It shouldn’t be any different if their sexual preference is different to yours. Everyone has the desire to be loved, accepted and to belong. Even you! 🙂

How do I explain to my friends why I’m not going to have sex till I’m married?

What an awesome decision you have made! That is something to be proud of so don’t be embarrassed or ashamed about your decision. Don’t worry about what your friends or peers will think about you, be confident in your decision and what you believe in. Have you heard the quote ‘If you stand for nothing, you will fall for anything’? How great is it to be able to stand for something, especially about this topic of sex and not fall for anything that comes your way!

There is such a strong desire to fit in, especially as a young person because everyone wants to feel like they belong and are accepted. But don’t be afraid to be different and stand out. Many people don’t have any strong belief about their sexuality and you making a stand in your own personal life might inspire others to do the same. Be the light and stand out – stand up for what you believe in.

& hey, if you have stuffed up before and have decided you don’t want to do that anymore and want to save sex for marriage, you are a legend! It is so possible.

May I encourage you all to have someone you can talk to and be accountable to? Accountability is just having someone in your life that can help you live out your decision and if you encounter any tempting situations, you have someone you can help you through it. We can’t do it alone!

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