Archive | sexuality RSS feed for this section

PURE INNOCENCE

17 Jun

Purity…what does it mean to be pure? It’s a question worth asking yourself, particularly in today’s highly sexualised culture.

Maybe how we can live in purity is by discovering what is valuable to us and by discovering that we are valuable human beings.

If you value a diamond ring, you will want to keep it clean, protect it and look after it because it’s valuable to you. In contrast, how do we treat things that are not valuable to us? We throw it around, expose it to whatever, leave it wherever, use it for whatever etc. We don’t give it a second thought because it’s not valuable to us.

How do we keep our sexuality pure?

Often people think it means, just don’t have sex. But I believe its way more than that.

It is how we dress

It is how we behave

It is what we say

It is what we believe

It impacts our decisions, our relationships and the vision for our life.

It impacts how we treat ourselves and how we treat others.

In a world where pure innocence is lost, we need to fight to get it back. We need to challenge our thoughts, behaviours and actions to line up to the truth that every human being is valuable and deserves to be treated with respect and dignity, including ourselves.

How do we live with purity?

Looking beyond a girl wearing clothes that barely cover her butt to see her as someone’s daughter, sister, mother. She is valued, created in His image, in the mind and heart of God before she was ever in her mother’s womb. She has been planned for a good purpose before the beginning of time. She is worth more than the way she dresses.

When someone sends us a pornographic link, living with purity is choosing to not open the link and explaining to that person why you chose not to open it.

Deciding not to take a “selfie” of yourself wearing hardly any clothes and send it to a boy you like in the hope that he will think your hot and want to date you because you want someone who will like you for who you are (personality and all) and not what you look like in a photo.

Choosing not to watch movies with sex scenes in it to avoid being awakened, tempted or exposed sexually, as you know that what you watch can become what you think about and what you think about can become what you may act upon.

What do you think purity is? Let’s get a conversation going. Reply below.

Advertisements

Don’t be sexualised.

6 Mar

On my way to work everyday, I walk past an advert telling me to detox. Promoting the detox product is a thin blonde girl with large breasts and a tiny waist wearing nothing but a skimpy bikini. The advert tells me I can loose weight and look like this by detoxing. But what it is really telling me is that I need to look like this girl and if I don’t, then I need to detox and loose weight. Basically, I’m not attractive unless I have a body like her…..Gee, thanks for building up my self-esteem!

Everywhere we go, in today’s culture, we are being sexualised. The concerning thing is that we don’t even know it. It has become normal to see sexualised images everywhere. We accept it. We don’t challenge it. Without even consciously knowing it, it is framing our value systems. It is framing the way we see the opposite sex, it is framing our expectations about relationships, it is framing what we wear and the behaviour we need to display to find love and acceptance.

The lie is you have to be sexually attractive to have power, to attract men to you, to be successful. Your intelligence, wisdom, personality, experience, gifts and talents do not mean anything. It’s just about being sexually hot and being sexually ready!

Music in today’s culture is objectifying women and promoting them as sexually ready. Video clips don’t show women saying ‘no’ to sex or not wanting sex – all it promotes is that women and girls are sexually ready.

Lets take Rihanna’s song ‘S&M’

Feels so good being bad
There’s no way I’m turning back
Now the pain is my pleasure
Cause nothing could measure

Love is great, love is fine
Out the box, out of line
The affliction of the feeling
Leaves me wanting more

Cause I may be bad
But I’m perfectly good at it
Sex in the air
I don’t care
I love the smell of it

Sticks and stones
May break my bones
But chains and whips
Excite me

This song promotes sex and bondage. How can we get a healthy understanding of sexuality when music artists are influencing young people in an unhealthy way – life is all about being bad and using sex as power.

Lily Allen song ‘Its Not Fair’ is another example. The song is about how she has a really great boyfriend but there is just one thing, he is really bad in bed. She explains what they do together in bed and how it’s ‘just not fair.’

What kind of message is this telling their audience? Sex is more important than having a guy that treats you well. Try before you buy, you have to make sure they are good in bed first. Another lie!

Having a good sex life takes work, time, effort and communication. Judging people on their sexual technique cheapens what sex was designed for – intimacy, equality, love, respect, bonding, uniting two people together, celebrating the journey of “two becoming one”, an act that is so beautiful nothing can compare to it. Pornography is no comparison.

Rather than going along with the ‘norm’, I challenge you to think about how our society is influencing our sexuality in an unhealthy way and speak up about it. Lobby below and make a difference.

Collective Shout – http://collectiveshout.org
Kids Free 2B Kids – www.kf2bk.com
Report inappropriate music videos, programs or ads – www.freeTV.com.au

What songs/advertising/magazines do you think portray an unhealthy perspective of sexuality?
How can we address this issue?
Comment below. Let’s start talking about this.

Young People Need Answers….

13 Nov

Recently I was asked some questions by some awesome young people which I have endeavored to answer below.

If you have a question, I’d love to hear from you. Ask away and I will do my best to answer it. We need to be open about talking about this stuff and not keeping it all a secret. I bet what you are asking so many other young people are asking too. Email sexthewholestory@hotmail.com or reply below to this post.

My friends at school talk about sex all the time – Should I be a part of these conversations?
 


We need to be talking about sex. Its not something that should be taboo or kept in the dark (something you figure out or learn about on your own without anyone knowing). God created sex and we need godly wisdom on how we can navigate our lives as sexual beings.

There is so much information about sex out there but not everything is always helpful. Talking to our friends may not be the most helpful thing for us, especially if we need some guidance for a certain situation we are going through. Talk to someone who can give you some perspective and wisdom for your situation – a parent, pastor, youth leader, counselor or health professional. Don’t be afraid to ask them any questions you have – no question is too silly to ask! The more information you have, the better informed you are to make your decision.

I know porn is bad, but what counts as porn? Like sex scenes in movies?
 


Porn is anything that degrades men and women, treats people as sexual objects to be consumed and can produce a desire for sexual arousal by the viewer. Porn can be found in magazines, tv, advertisements and the internet. Sex scenes in a movie are not necessarily porn but can have the potential to get a person sexually aroused, depending on the level of sex scene and the rating of the movie. E.g. the level of sex scene content in an R or MA rated movie is higher than an M rated movie. That’s why it’s so important to exercise wisdom in what we watch and if we find the movie we are watching has too many sex scenes, switch it off or fast-forward the scene. Its ok to not watch it.

What does the bible say about masturbation?

The bible doesn’t say anything specifically about masturbation. It doesn’t say its ok and it doesn’t say it’s not ok. But the bible does talk a lot about lust – lustful desires, lustful thoughts, and lustful pleasures.

Lust = like a craving, uncontrollable, an intense sexual desire, an overmastering desire.

“Run from anything that stimulates youthful lusts.” 2 Timothy 2.22

“Have nothing to do with sexual immorality, impurity, lust and evil desires.” Col 3.5
 


I recently wrote a blog about this topic called ‘The big M word’ – check it out.

Masturbation can become a habit that is hard to break. It can become obsessive and addictive. If you are struggling with masturbation, I strongly encourage you to talk to someone you can trust and who can help you with it. You can gain control over this issue. Its never too late to get help.

Is it really that bad to hook up at parties for fun?
 


It might be good to ask yourself these questions…. Is what I am doing respecting myself? Is it respecting the other person? Is this something I may regret the next day?

Our sexuality is highly valuable. There is no price that equals the value of our sexuality, its priceless. It was given to us from God as a gift, to be treasured, guarded and protected until the right time when it can be used, in marriage as a celebration of love.

So is it really worth throwing away for a moment of instant gratification? I love this quote from Jeanne Mayo in her book ‘Uncensored Dating, Friendship & Sex’ (highly recommend it):

“You are free to ignore the commandments of God but never free to avoid the consequences.”

There are consequences to all our behaviors & in this situation, there are very real consequences such as contracting STIs (sexually transmitted infections), getting pregnant, being talked about the next day, being put in a position where we ended up doing what we didn’t want to do, feeling regret, shame and guilt or being heart broken.

You can be secure within yourself to not throw your sexuality away for a hook up at a party.

I just started dating someone and we want to have good boundaries. What are some?
 

This is such a great question. Its so important when setting boundaries in your relationship that you both agree to them, believe in WHY you are setting these boundaries and have someone you both can be accountable to. As much as boundaries are great, we really need people in our lives to help keep us on the right path, or help us get back on the right path if we cross a boundary.

Some boundaries that could work for you:

  • Write down on a piece of paper what is not ok for you…. be really specific. E.g. no sexual intercourse, no oral sex, no hands on parts of the body that are covered by a bathing suit, no marathon kissing sessions, no lying down next to someone. This specific might sound silly but its really necessary for you to know clearly what you are not ok with.
  • Don’t be home alone by yourselves or stay long periods of time in a car by yourselves (especially late at night)
  • Set a time where you both don’t hang out past e.g. 10pm we go our separate ways. When we are tired, we become weak and temptation is much easier.
  • Avoid sleepovers or going on holidays together (even if your with other people). Again, temptation is so much easier when it’s late at night.
  • Decide what you will do in a situation before you get there – pre-determined choices! E.g. if we are watching a movie together and there are sex scenes that come on, we will walk out of the movie or turn the movie off. Or if we are at a party together and everyone is drinking, we will not drink to avoid being sexually tempted.
  • Reserve the words ‘I love you’ for the right person who you will be in a long-term serious relationship with.
  • If you cross a boundary, make sure you talk to someone about it and not hide it. You will feel much better for telling someone and getting advice on how to move forward.

People call me a flirt but I don’t think I am. Why would they think that?
 

What you wear or how you act might give off this message to others without you even being aware that you are doing it. For example; if girls are wearing low cut tops and short skirts or shorts, people could think that you are flaunting your body off to others – even if you aren’t even thinking that. Or if you are kissing different girls at every party you go to, people might think you’re a flirt because you not serious about any of them but just enjoying the attention from these girls as you feel wanted.

Regardless of the situation, it is essential to remember that you can’t get your identity from other people. If you are feeling insecure, flirting with others, being sexually suggestive to others, is not going to fill the void that you desperately want to be filled. You need to discover your identity for yourself and understand you are LOVED and ACCEPTED no matter what! It does not depend on if you are wanted, desired or liked by the hottest guy or girl in your school.

I have a friend who is gay, should I be friends with them?
 


Of course you should. There is so much more to a person than their sexual identity. Every person is valuable and deserves love, respect and kindness. It shouldn’t be any different if their sexual preference is different to yours. Everyone has the desire to be loved, accepted and to belong. Even you! 🙂

How do I explain to my friends why I’m not going to have sex till I’m married?

What an awesome decision you have made! That is something to be proud of so don’t be embarrassed or ashamed about your decision. Don’t worry about what your friends or peers will think about you, be confident in your decision and what you believe in. Have you heard the quote ‘If you stand for nothing, you will fall for anything’? How great is it to be able to stand for something, especially about this topic of sex and not fall for anything that comes your way!

There is such a strong desire to fit in, especially as a young person because everyone wants to feel like they belong and are accepted. But don’t be afraid to be different and stand out. Many people don’t have any strong belief about their sexuality and you making a stand in your own personal life might inspire others to do the same. Be the light and stand out – stand up for what you believe in.

& hey, if you have stuffed up before and have decided you don’t want to do that anymore and want to save sex for marriage, you are a legend! It is so possible.

May I encourage you all to have someone you can talk to and be accountable to? Accountability is just having someone in your life that can help you live out your decision and if you encounter any tempting situations, you have someone you can help you through it. We can’t do it alone!

Secret Sexuality

2 Nov

If there is anything that is held in secret the most, it would probably be secrets to do with our sexuality. Mainly driven by feelings of shame, humiliation, embarrassment and fear.

We have all been created as sexual beings. There is not escaping this truth. Living life as a sexual being is something we all need to learn how to negotiate and not HIDE.

What sexual secrets are people hiding????

Pornography
Masturbation
Lustful thoughts
Sexual identity
Promiscuous sexual activity
Cheating on a partner
….Just to name a few.

I’m sure we all know that it’s not that easy to talk about our sexual secrets. We are often scared about what people will think of us when they find out we have a problem – “they will think I’m dirty”, “they will look at me differently”, “they will judge me”, “people will look down on me”. This is a big reason why we keep things in the dark.

We think secrets are safe because no one knows about them. If we put up a front and make everything look great on the outside, no one will know how bad things are on the inside. Right?

Secrets can catch up on us. It will come out in the wash eventually.

When we have a secret that we want to keep hidden, the fear of anyone finding out drives us to spin lies and create cover-up stories to continue to hide our secret.  Ever seen the movie ‘Catch me if you can’? The problem is its so hard to keep up with all the lies that have been created, we end up digging ourselves into a great big hole and the only way to get out is to either get caught out or tell the truth to someone and get help! Getting caught out would not be the preferred by to deal with our sexual secrets. Its more humiliating and embarrassing than telling someone what’s really going on.

You can set yourself free by telling the truth! Find someone you can TRUST (that’s the key!) – a youth leader, a trusted adult, a professional counsellor or health professional. It will need to be someone other than a friend your age. They need to be trustworthy, non-judgemental and can give you some WISDOM and PERSPECTIVE whilst keeping your confidentiality. You don’t need to go public and tell everyone, you just need one person or a select few people you can trust. Get someone to help you stay accountable in getting help and staying on the right track.

You will feel so much better that someone else knows your secret and you don’t have to keep hiding it from everyone. It can be so helpful when your thoughts are out and no festering inside your head.

Please know that none of us are perfect (even if people make out they are). We all need to learn how to navigate our life well as a sexual being. Keep going and don’t give up!

Frame Your Life: Part I

28 Sep

GUARD YOUR HEART
FOR OUT OF IT FLOWS
THE ISSUES OF LIFE 

 

When it comes to friendships, dating and relationships……. What is ok by you and what is not ok? How do you know things have gone too far? Where do you draw the line? Do you just go with the flow or are you certain about what you want?

What is a boundary?

A boundary is a balcony in a high-rise apartment to protect people from falling over the edge.
A boundary is a yellow line at a train station platform for people to stand behind to stop people from falling onto the tracks or get hit by an oncoming train.
A boundary is a signed marriage document, the public declaration to spend your life with one other person only for the rest of your life.

A boundary frames something; it makes a clear distinction between one thing to the other, it tells you how far to go and when you’ve gone too far. A boundary draws the line between what is acceptable and what is not acceptable, what is safe and not safe, what is healthy and what is unhealthy.

Boundaries can help us. They can protect others and us from getting hurt. Boundaries can allow us to experience the fullness of life – an abundant life. Think of a playground; once the playground boundary is established, it is clear where a kid can play and where it is out of bounds.

The good thing about creating boundaries is YOU can set your own. You choose who and what you let inside your ‘house’ and what you will keep out. Its kind of like ‘guarding your heart’…..you choose who and what you let into your heart and who and what you don’t. Throughout your life there will be thousands if not millions of choices to make, particularly when it comes to friendships and relationships. Choose WISELY. Give yourself the freedom to decide what you will allow in your heart and what you will leave at the front door.

What boundaries do you have in your life?

Is kissing a good friend a ‘no go’?
Is having a one-night stand ok with you?
Is sleeping with your boyfriend or girlfriend off limits?
Is cheating on your partner debatable?
Is taking back your partner who cheated on you dependable?

Its all too easy to go with the flow when it comes to our friendships and relationships…..do whatever feels good at the time without giving a second thought to our actions and our behaviours. At times we can get caught up in the moment and it might seem too hard to stop. Sometimes we can think we have not harmed ourselves or others and other times our ‘in the moment’ behaviour can get us in trouble, destroying relationships and hurting ourselves and others.

How can I set boundaries in my life?

It starts with the basics…. how would you like to be treated? Treat others that way.

  • What behaviours display respect to yourself? What behaviours display respect to others? What doesn’t?

E.G. You’re hanging out with a group of guys and they want to take photos of you doing sexy poses and maybe even some shots with your top off. Does this behaviour respect you? Are these guys displaying respect towards you?
What boundary do you have about your body? Available to anyone or off limits and reserved for that special someone only?

  • What is valuable to you? Another way of putting it is, what is important to you?

E.G. You have a close friend who you really don’t like in that way but you’ve had a few drinks at a party and you are feeling a bit lonely. Is it ok to sleep with your friend? Even if there are no feelings on both sides and its only a one-night thing?
If you value your friendship with this person and don’t want to hurt them or confuse your friendship with sex, you may have a boundary about keeping friends as friends and nothing more.

E.G. You’re in a relationship and you are not ready to have sex with your partner. So how far is too far? If you haven’t thought about that, you might find yourself in the heat of the moment and not know how to stop.
A boundary will help you clearly know what you are ok with and what you aren’t. Being uncomfortably explicit and writing out what is ok and what is out of bounds will help you and your partner keep within that boundary.

Sticking to them & living them out – Making boundaries come ALIVE.

Actions are always harder than speaking mere words. Many people can talk the talk but not many can walk the walk. It may not be the easiest thing to do but in the long run, you will be better for it and glad you stuck to what was important to you.

Look at the boundaries you have in your life and think about what steps you can take to live your boundaries out. What actions will you take? Who will you speak to for advice or accountability? Living out your boundaries will make your friendships and relationships a lot simpler and easier to enjoy.

Let’s take Joe and Mary’s relationship as an example. They have been dating for a few months and really like each other but they both strongly value their sexuality and want to save sex together for marriage. To keep what is important to them they need to set boundaries on their physical relationship.
How do they do that?

Firstly, they need to talk to each other about what is important to them in their relationship. What physical activity is ok and not ok? Where can their hands go and where can’t they go? What kissing is ok and what kissing is out of bounds? How will they know if they go too far? What will they do when things get heated? Who will they speak to if they want to get advice? Both of them need to AGREE on these things, as agreement is the first step in setting a boundary.

Secondly, they can do things that will make it easier for them to stick to their boundaries. For example, avoid being home alone together, sleepovers or holidays and sitting in the car late at night. All these things will tempt them to do things they may wake up the next morning regretting.

Thirdly, they can make themselves accountable to someone they respect and trust and this person can provide support and give them advice when they need it. It totally helps when someone encourages us to keep going and reminds us what is important to us, especially when we are feeling discouraged.

Finally, they don’t need to beat themselves up if they make a mistake and cross a boundary. Refocusing on their vision and what’s important to them and continuing to work towards it is way more beneficial. No one is perfect. It doesn’t matter how many times a person falls, what matters is if they pick themselves back up again.

What is important to you?
What do you value?
Decide on these things.
Choose what is right for you.
Guard your heart.
Frame your life with what you want.

What boundaries do you have? I’d love to hear them. Email sexthewholestory@hotmail.com

More to sex than mere skin on skin

18 Sep

When I was a kid, I LOVED Christmas morning. I was so excited about waking up in the morning and running downstairs to the Christmas tree to search for all the presents that had my name on it. My excitement made me not want to go to sleep. If I didn’t sleep, I could open my presents in the middle of the night and not have to wait till the morning. Oh the joy of Christmas morning! The excitement of seeing wrapped gifts with my name on it. The surprise on my face when I opened the gifts. It’s such a wonderful experience. It made me feel so special.

Every one desires to be loved, accepted and to belong. This is universal. It is intrinsic to our human make-up.  We were created for relationship.

Today’s culture is very much a sexualised culture. Sex is expected and assumed when you hook up with someone and especially when you enter into a relationship. But is this type of culture actually healthy for us and our futures? Are the people we are sleeping with even worth what we are giving them?

There’s more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact.

Sex is deeply intimate and extremely vulnerable. It joins two people together as one. Sex deepens our love and bond with someone. It is life-creating and extremely relational. It was designed to be experienced in the confines of marriage where the devotion and commitment is for life – the ‘till death do us part’ commitment, the ‘no matter what happens, I’m sticking by your side’ devotion, creating a safe and loving environment for the couple to be completely exposed, vulnerable and intimate. Sex was created to seal and unify a marriage joining the 2 people as 1 – body, soul and spirit. It is the ultimate expression of LOVE. Powerful and completely beautiful!

Now there was a time when I couldn’t wait to see what I was going to get for Christmas. A few weeks before Christmas, I searched the whole house when my parents weren’t home. I knew that had already bought me gifts and I knew they were in the house somewhere. I finally found them in a cupboard. The gifts were already wrapped up with my name on it. This was going to be tricky. I carefully peeled the sticky tape off and slowly opened each side of the present making sure I didn’t rip the paper. It was exciting to see what gifts I was going to receive but once I knew what I was getting, I must admit, I felt a bit bad, a bit guilty, a little cheated that I had wrecked the surprise for myself on Christmas morning. When Christmas morning came, I tried to act surprised like I was opening my gifts for the first time. Truth be told, it just was not as special as it would have been if I didn’t take that sneak peak weeks before.

Our sexuality is a unique gift that we give to another person. Waiting for the right person and giving it to them in a committed, secure, long-term relationship makes the experience so special for both people. Awakening love before the right time can rob you of a beautiful experience and leave you feeling guilty and regretful. Think about this…. when I finally decide I want to spend my life with this person, what have I saved to give them?

Sex comes with an attachment.

After breaking up with my boyfriend that I had sex with, I felt deep rejection and heartache. Even though I knew that breaking up was the right thing to do, I felt a part of me was given to him that I wouldn’t be able to get back…..I was intimate and vulnerable with my boyfriend and from that I developed a strong connection to him. It made it even harder for me to not want to get back with him. I was left feeling unloved and lonely….looking back, I wish I didn’t sleep with him.” Elisa

When we have sex with one person, we get attached to them. We feel deeply connected with them and desire to be with them. Hormones oxytocin and prolactin are released in our brains making us feel a deep union with the person we’re having sex with. This explains why sex is designed in a ‘for-life committed relationship’. Casual sex – ‘friends with benefits’, ‘sex with no strings attached’ is not possible as sex comes with an attachment. We bond with the person we are having sex with and develop a deep connection with them.

Try before you buy. 

If you had a choice between a brand new fragrance or a tester fragrance, which one would you choose? Of course the brand new fragrance! The tester fragrance has been tried out before with many people wearing the fragrance. The brand new bottle has never been used.

 

“If I wait till our wedding night to have sex with my wife, what about if she is crap in bed? Then I will be stuck with her. It makes more sense to me to find out what she is like before I marry her.” Dean

Who wants to be the person “tried out” before bought? It cheapens a person down to their sexual performance and creates comparison. It doesn’t make a person feel special or unique. The gift of sex is cheapened and makes the sexual experience all about self-pleasure. And what about if the person you marry is good in bed but then turns bad? A virgin has nothing to compare their experience to.

A great lover is not just about how experienced they are in the bedroom or how many sexual techniques they can do. What makes a great lover is there ability to satisfy one person for their whole life and to be satisfied by one person for their whole life. To be a great lover requires work – effort, time & a willingness to learn. It requires openness and vulnerability. The sex shown in movies and through the media is fake. No ones sex life is as perfect as the movies portray – that’s why it’s a movie!

Sex can cloud a person’s view of their relationship.  Take sex out of the relationship and you will see what is left. Is it based on a solid foundation or simply mutual pleasure? Mutual pleasure will only last while its convenient.

Sex shouldn’t be a bandaid to fill intimacy. Pursuing the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy leaves us more lonely than ever…. We must treat someone in sexual intimacy like we want to be treated. Remember that you are fooling around with someone else’s future partner.

Our sexuality is valuable. It is a special gift and it is WORTH giving to only one person, in a life-long committed relationship, who will look after, cherish and appreciate it.

Sex and each other need to be treated with the upmost respect.

The big ‘M’ word….

9 Sep

Yep, bet you all thought it was Marriage. I’m actually talking about Masturbation.

Masturbation is the physical act of relieving sexual tension without requiring a partner.  Many people do it. Not many people talk about it. That’s why I’m talking about it.

People can believe masturbation is harmless. It is not hurting anybody and it’s self-pleasurable. BUT just because it may seem harmless does not mean it’s helpful. Many things in life can seem harmless but indeed are not helpful to our growth and development.

Masturbation can be unhealthy when….

* It becomes a habit, as habits can be hard to break. Masturbating can become obsessive and addictive. It can dominate your thoughts and behaviours and it can become all you want to do.

* You are fantasising in your mind over people or a person you shouldn’t be thinking about in that way. Fantasising can create a craving for that person in an intense sexual way.

Some things to think about…..

What are you looking at?
What you look at can influence what you desire. E.g. if you have a picture of a hot girl on your folder, your attraction and desire for her will increase the more you look at her. The more you look at her, the more you will desire her and when there is desire, there is sexual arousal. Pornography or movies with a high level of sexual content as well as reading books that detail sexual experiences in the storyline, can make a person sexually aroused.

What are you thinking about?
‘So a man thinks, he is.’ What you focus your mind and thoughts on, you will become. It will be your focus and your vision. E.g. if you think about chocolate cake, all you will want to do is eat chocolate cake. The more you think about it, the more you will want to eat it. The greater this desire, the greater the effort you will go to, to eat chocolate cake.

Who are you fantasising over? If it’s not your partner, you are on dangerous ground. Fantasising about anyone else who is not your partner will not help you stay faithful. You will eventually prefer the relationship you are having in your head to your real-life relationship in reality. Because the fantasy world is not real, it will stimulate you in a way that your partner is not able to. Eventually you will prefer your fantasy relationship, as your real-life relationship won’t be able to compete with the relationship you have created in your head.
Can you be faithful to the person you are with, if you are fantasising over someone else in your head? Harmless it may seem (because nobody knows what you are thinking but you) but harmful it really is. Being unfaithful starts in the mind before is becomes a behaviour.

Why are you doing it?
Some people do it to relieve sexual tension, some people do it to experiment with their body and find out how it all works. Other people do it because they are lonely or feel bad about themselves and they want to make themselves feel better.

Think about why you are doing it. Is it healthy or unhealthy for you? Do you find you can’t stop? Are you doing it to cover up something deeper you don’t know how to deal with? Masturbation won’t help you deal with feelings of loneliness, depression, anxiety or unworthiness.Dealing with something hard like this can be easier when you’re working it out  with someone else. Speaking to a trusted adult or professional counsellor could help with that. For your futures sake, it’s worth dealing with now rather than later.

“It’s fine now because I’m single”. You can’t assume that you will be able to stop when you get into a relationship or that your partner will be fine with you continuing to masturbate. A relationship does not change things or solve all our problems. In fact the opposite happens, all our problems come to the surface when 2 people come together. Also, who wants to be with someone who isn’t satisfied with them that they have to go off to satisfy themselves alone?

If it has become a habit or an obsessive addiction that needs to be addressed there is good news! Developing and exercising self-control can help you tackle this area of your life. It is possible and here could be some strategies….

  • Cut out the things you are looking at and control your thinking patterns – don’t let your mind wonder. The minute your mind starts wondering, stop the thought and do something different.
  • Go to bed early and avoid staying up late surfing the Internet with no purpose.
  • Remove the computer and TV from your room.
  • Don’t stay in bed longer than you need to.
  • Stop watching movies, youtube and music video clips with high sexual content – change the channel!
  • Throw out magazines or novels with sexual content.
  • Remove the safari app from your iphone and install an Internet protection app instead.
  • Socialise with friends more and spend less time alone by yourself at home, especially if that’s your weak spot.

Being accountable, humble and transparent and allowing someone to walk the journey with you can help you gain control of this area of your sexuality. What has helped you? Email sexthewholestory@hotmail.com


%d bloggers like this: