Archive | October, 2011

Frame Your Life: Part III

23 Oct

Guard your heart

for out of it flows

the issues of life

Frame your life with what you want, don’t let others do it for you.  What your life will look like will depend on what you are willing to let in your life and what you will not accept.

IDENTITY IS NOT JUST ‘US’

Some of us when we get into a relationship can loose who we are. We don’t like what we used to like and we don’t do what we used to do. Our values, goals and vision for our life changes to be like the person we are dating.

Your individual identity is so unique, don’t loose it just because you are in a relationship. You are a person outside of your relationship.

CHEATING

Not a nice word hey. Betrayal. Disloyalty. Deception. Also not nice words. Unfortunately though, it is some people’s reality.

What are you boundaries around cheating? Is it ok if they were sorry? Blind drunk and didn’t know what they were doing? Ok because the other person took advantage of your partner or you? What about if you were on ‘a break’? Or if you don’t get caught, is that ok then?

If he/she cheated on you once, how will you know they won’t do it again? If you were cheated on while you were dating, why wouldn’t it happen when you’re married?

Faithfulness starts while dating & continues on through marriage. Marriage doesn’t fix someone’s faithfulness. It’s an active choice to be faithful.

KEEP YOUR FRIENDS

Ever had a friend that’s dropped you to hang out with their new boyfriend/girlfriend Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday! Before they know it….they haven’t spoken to you in weeks! What’s with that?!

You can have the relationship and keep your friends. It’s a choice and a wise choice to make cos what happens if you break up down the track and you have no friends to turn too?

Also, don’t be so insecure that you both have to be joined to the hip. You have goals, dreams, friends, family, education, work, hobbies and interests (just to name a few). There is GOLD inside you. Be confident in who you are as a unique one-of-a-kind individual. If you break up, your world won’t fall apart. There is so much more to you than just your relationship.

SECOND BEST

Why do people settle for second best? They are not prepared to wait for the right person, they don’t believe there is anyone better out there or they don’t believe they will find someone else, they would rather be ‘with someone’ than be alone or they think they can change or fix the person. Whatever the reason, it is generally motivated by personal fears and insecurities.

You are WORTH far more than to just settle for second best! Settling for second best is simply not trusting that there is better out there for you.

To avoid settling – know what you want and be prepared to wait. Go, hang out and get to know people but don’t jump into the first relationship on offer without considering if that person is right for you. View my post on ‘Is this person the ‘right’ one for me?’ for thoughts on knowing if they are the right one.

In the long run, you will be thanking yourself that you waited and are with the right person and happy.

VERBAL & EMOTIONAL GARBAGE

The words we speak have an impact on people’s lives around us. Sometimes we can tend to take for granted and not appreciate the people closest to us. Nevertheless, it’s not an excuse to mistreat people.

Maybe you find yourself in a relationship that is not very encouraging. Things might be great sometimes but other times it can get nasty…you might cop verbal, emotional or physical abuse. Regardless of the circumstance, abuse is NOT ok. It can start with name calling when an argument erupts and can lead to so much more.

If you are experiencing physical abuse, get out of that relationship now! It is not always an easy thing to do, so tell someone and ask for help. Don’t do it alone.

Draw a line on what verbal or emotional abuse you will or will not tolerate. E.g. should a girl accept being called a ‘bitch’ by her boyfriend?

Be aware of what emotional manipulation is. It is playing with your emotions so the other person can get what they want. E.g. “If you don’t have sex with me, you don’t love me.” You can love someone and not have sex with them.

GIRLS should be treated with value, respect and honour. GUYS should be treated with value, respect and honour. There is no difference if you are a guy or a girl. People are incredibly valuable and deserve respect and honour.

SHARING WITH YOUR FRIENDS

What do you tell your friends about your partner or relationship? Be careful how much intimate and personal information you share about your partner. They are telling YOU because they are building a trusting relationship with you. What they tell you is not always for you to tell others. Why break the trust that you have been working hard to build? It’s much harder to build trust back up again when it has been broken. We are often only vulnerable to one or a few people in our lives because we trust them. Don’t take that trust for granted.

& hey, why do we like to bag out our partners ex’s? Or our ex’s new partners? We think it will make us feel better but who really feels good after tearing someone else apart with horrible words. It doesn’t make us look good, in fact we look hurt, insecure or jealous. And here’s another thought, the ‘ex’ could actually be a nice person! Gossip is no conversation builder and doesn’t make anyone feel encouraged or empowered. You can be the bigger person – don’t go there in your conversations.

Frame Your Life: Part II

11 Oct

Guard your heart

for out of it flows

the issues of life

How do you guard your heart emotionally?

Truth is relationships are emotional. Being with someone or breaking up with someone does affect us emotionally. It only doesn’t affect us when we don’t care about the other person or we are not emotionally involved e.g. we are with them for other reasons aside from emotional connection such as sex.

So what does guarding your heart look like when we are emotionally involved? How emotionally involved we get is the key.

MARRIED THEM IN YOUR HEAD?

If you have just started dating this guy for a week and you are so into him, you feel its so right you think you two will get married. You start thinking of the dress; you see if his last name goes with your first name, you start imagining what your kids will look like…. I would suggest that you have gone too far. You have gotten TOO emotionally involved TOO soon. What’s so bad about that? Well, say you don’t get married, you break up next week or next month, you are probably going to be a lot more heartbroken than if your mind didn’t go there.

If you “marry” the person in your head before you, he/she,  or your relationship is even ready to go there…. You will be set on making your relationship work even if they are not the right person. That is a lot of hard work.

I LOVE YOU

Hey boy! Hey girl! Do you say ‘I love you’ to every person you date? Why? Do you really love them? What makes your love for them different to the previous person you dated? What is special about this person compared to your ex?

The words ‘I love you’ carry weight; it means something significant to the other person, their heart lights up, they feel loved. Most people associate these 3 wonderful words with ‘unconditional’, ‘always’, ‘forever’. These words carry hope.

These 3 words are not often associated with ‘I thought I loved you but I really didn’t’ or ‘I don’t love you anymore’ or ‘love was just not enough – sorry’.

So next time you say those words, consider why you are saying them. Is it to get something from them or to make you feel better? Are you lonely and want someone to love you back? Do you really mean this now, tomorrow, long term? What makes someone special enough for you to say these 3 significant words?

Love is not just a feeling. We don’t always feel like loving someone. Love is also a choice.

ME & MY EX

Do you talk to your boyfriend/girlfriend about your ex’s? How much detail do you share?

This stuff is so not helpful for your current relationship. No one wants to know what their partner did with their ex. Why? Because they will always be thinking in the back of their head how is he/she different to me? Am I being compared?

Comparing yourself to your partner’s ex or comparing your partner to your ex will destroy your relationship’s uniqueness. Your current partner needs a fair shot at your friendship and caring for you – they don’t deserve to be compared.

TRUST & JEALOUSY

Do you trust completely or are you unable to trust? If you are unable to trust it is most probably because of jealousy or a previous bad experience where someone has betrayed your trust. Does your current partner display signs that you cant trust them or are you just fearful it will happen to you again? If it’s more in your head than in their behaviour, it’s so important that you guard your heart from this fear and not entertain thoughts of jealousy. Talk to your partner or a trusted friend about it and work through it. It’s not worth destroying a relationship over, particularly if he or she can be trusted.

Are you completely trustworthy or not to be trusted? What are you doing to suggest you can or can’t be trusted? E.g. hanging out with other girls one-on-one when you have a girlfriend doesn’t give your girlfriend much confidence in you. Can you trust yourself with such temptation?

Remember – people need to EARN your trust, don’t give it away too easily.

HANG OUTS

Is hanging out with a person of the opposite sex alone ok when:

(a) you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?

(b) you are single & you don’t like the person your hanging out with but you think/know they have feelings for you?

If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, how is hanging out with someone else one-on-one helpful to your relationship? Is it going to put doubt in your partner’s mind? Why would you want to do that? A healthy relationship is based on trust. If you have a great trusting relationship, don’t wreck it.

If you are single & you don’t like the person you’re hanging out with but you think/know they have feelings for you, why are you hanging out with them one-on-one? Are you leading them on only to break their heart when you tell them your not interested?

Do you like the attention? It’s probably not a fair reason to lead someone on & your time could be better spent focusing on being secure within yourself.

I like their friendship. That’s awesome but you can always keep the friendship and avoid the awkwardness or heartache when they know your not interested by hanging out in groups instead. No one likes to know that they were lead on only to be smacked in the face with ‘I don’t like you like that’, especially when they thought you were interested.

Guarding our hearts makes us secure individuals, confident in who we are and our identity.

Stay tuned for Part III.

How else can you guard your heart in relationships? What would you like to know about? Would love to know your thoughts. Comment below or email sexthewholestory@hotmail.com

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