The big ‘M’ word….

9 Sep

Yep, bet you all thought it was Marriage. I’m actually talking about Masturbation.

Masturbation is the physical act of relieving sexual tension without requiring a partner.  Many people do it. Not many people talk about it. That’s why I’m talking about it.

People can believe masturbation is harmless. It is not hurting anybody and it’s self-pleasurable. BUT just because it may seem harmless does not mean it’s helpful. Many things in life can seem harmless but indeed are not helpful to our growth and development.

Masturbation can be unhealthy when….

* It becomes a habit, as habits can be hard to break. Masturbating can become obsessive and addictive. It can dominate your thoughts and behaviours and it can become all you want to do.

* You are fantasising in your mind over people or a person you shouldn’t be thinking about in that way. Fantasising can create a craving for that person in an intense sexual way.

Some things to think about…..

What are you looking at?
What you look at can influence what you desire. E.g. if you have a picture of a hot girl on your folder, your attraction and desire for her will increase the more you look at her. The more you look at her, the more you will desire her and when there is desire, there is sexual arousal. Pornography or movies with a high level of sexual content as well as reading books that detail sexual experiences in the storyline, can make a person sexually aroused.

What are you thinking about?
‘So a man thinks, he is.’ What you focus your mind and thoughts on, you will become. It will be your focus and your vision. E.g. if you think about chocolate cake, all you will want to do is eat chocolate cake. The more you think about it, the more you will want to eat it. The greater this desire, the greater the effort you will go to, to eat chocolate cake.

Who are you fantasising over? If it’s not your partner, you are on dangerous ground. Fantasising about anyone else who is not your partner will not help you stay faithful. You will eventually prefer the relationship you are having in your head to your real-life relationship in reality. Because the fantasy world is not real, it will stimulate you in a way that your partner is not able to. Eventually you will prefer your fantasy relationship, as your real-life relationship won’t be able to compete with the relationship you have created in your head.
Can you be faithful to the person you are with, if you are fantasising over someone else in your head? Harmless it may seem (because nobody knows what you are thinking but you) but harmful it really is. Being unfaithful starts in the mind before is becomes a behaviour.

Why are you doing it?
Some people do it to relieve sexual tension, some people do it to experiment with their body and find out how it all works. Other people do it because they are lonely or feel bad about themselves and they want to make themselves feel better.

Think about why you are doing it. Is it healthy or unhealthy for you? Do you find you can’t stop? Are you doing it to cover up something deeper you don’t know how to deal with? Masturbation won’t help you deal with feelings of loneliness, depression, anxiety or unworthiness.Dealing with something hard like this can be easier when you’re working it out  with someone else. Speaking to a trusted adult or professional counsellor could help with that. For your futures sake, it’s worth dealing with now rather than later.

“It’s fine now because I’m single”. You can’t assume that you will be able to stop when you get into a relationship or that your partner will be fine with you continuing to masturbate. A relationship does not change things or solve all our problems. In fact the opposite happens, all our problems come to the surface when 2 people come together. Also, who wants to be with someone who isn’t satisfied with them that they have to go off to satisfy themselves alone?

If it has become a habit or an obsessive addiction that needs to be addressed there is good news! Developing and exercising self-control can help you tackle this area of your life. It is possible and here could be some strategies….

  • Cut out the things you are looking at and control your thinking patterns – don’t let your mind wonder. The minute your mind starts wondering, stop the thought and do something different.
  • Go to bed early and avoid staying up late surfing the Internet with no purpose.
  • Remove the computer and TV from your room.
  • Don’t stay in bed longer than you need to.
  • Stop watching movies, youtube and music video clips with high sexual content – change the channel!
  • Throw out magazines or novels with sexual content.
  • Remove the safari app from your iphone and install an Internet protection app instead.
  • Socialise with friends more and spend less time alone by yourself at home, especially if that’s your weak spot.

Being accountable, humble and transparent and allowing someone to walk the journey with you can help you gain control of this area of your sexuality. What has helped you? Email


15 Responses to “The big ‘M’ word….”

  1. April September 9, 2011 at 8:30 PM #

    Well done! This is helpful

  2. Cedric Smith September 10, 2011 at 11:00 AM #

    I found that really usefull!

  3. Heather Froncek September 10, 2011 at 5:05 PM #

    I love that you bring up the topics no one wants to discuss. They need to be talked about and addressed, very well written and informative 🙂

  4. Mick September 11, 2011 at 7:27 PM #

    I think anything done in excessive amounts is always going to be unhealthy for you, particularly if it takes up great amounts of time. Exercise, religion and computer games are all excellent examples of this.

    Strongly disagree about fantasy being dangerous or something to be censured. All great invention and artistic creation begins in the mind. Without beginning with the end in mind we cannot create beautiful things.

    • sex: {thewholestory} October 1, 2011 at 12:00 PM #

      Hi Mick,

      Thanks for reading my blog and making a comment.

      Excessive amounts are unhealthy when it produces things in us that are destructive e.g. overeating can = obesity. With regards to masturbation, when it becomes an obsession is impacts our lives and the lives of others e.g. our partner.

      Fantasizing about a person that is not our partner like I mentioned above will not help us stay faithful to our partner as the more we think/fantasize about someone, the more we want them. This can have a damaging impact on our current relationship.

      Thanks for visiting & hope you visit again.

  5. desireunleashed September 28, 2011 at 1:48 PM #

    Thank you for this. I have begun to realize that this a problem that is a lot bigger then many people think. It can be so hard when you feel alone in struggles- especially ones you don’t want to talk about. So thank you for sharing!

    • sex: {thewholestory} October 1, 2011 at 12:01 PM #

      Thanks for visiting my site and for sharing your thoughts. Its appreciated.

  6. O.T October 2, 2011 at 12:23 AM #

    Hi Renee,

    Got a question, you mentioned masturbation can be unhealthy when:

    You are fantasizing in your mind over people or a person you shouldn’t be thinking about in that way. Fantasizing can create a craving for that person in an intense sexual way.

    What about masturbation purely for the purpose of relieving physical sexual tension?

    For example, as a single grown up man, sexual tension will build up in me over time so in order to relieve this I will masturbate. But as I am aware of the surrounding potential dangers mentally as you mentioned, I will purposefully think of a brick wall or say the ocean to keep my mind from focusing on persons I should not.

    Masturbation as an unfaithful act 1:

    OK what if I am dating someone in a serious relationship or even engaged to but not married to yet? Can I masturbate over her? Is that still being unfaithful?

    Masturbation as an unfaithful act 2:

    What if I am married and are overseas for long periods of time? Can I masturbate over my wife? Or is that unhealthy too?

    I guess what I am asking is, is the act of masturbation per se bad?

    Look forward to your response.


    • sex: {thewholestory} October 2, 2011 at 11:32 AM #

      Hi O.T.

      Thank you for visiting my site and sharing your thoughts. You have asked some good questions, which I’m sure many other people are asking as well.

      I recently read an article on Masturbation by Perry Noble and think it might help in answering your questions. Here it is.

      Hope this helps.

      • O.T October 5, 2011 at 2:55 PM #

        Hmmmm wow, very good. This has given me a new perspective so thank you. Awesome job in starting up this site, I think it will bring help to many and is muched needed not just in our church but for any church.

        Love your work.

  7. Katie. October 16, 2011 at 11:24 PM #

    Wow! You are outstanding!


  1. YOUNG PEOPLE NEED ANSWERS… « sex:{thewholestory} - November 13, 2011

    […] recently wrote a blog about this topic called ‘The big M word’ – check it […]

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